Patriarchy is and has been a great silencer. I think you've done a fine job of inciting discussion, but please don't expect women to ever be quiet. Many women and mothers need the support of other women, and men for that matter. And they have every right to it.

“stop writing how hilariously incompetent your husband is…” is exactly why so many sitcoms MAKE ME CRAZY. hot wife and fat bumbling man must go together! argh.

It’s so disheartening to me that we (men and women) are still so quick to insult one another’s abilities (or what we perceive to be a lack thereof). I loved the parallel that you drew between women insulting men’s parenting skills and the lack of respect for women in the workplace. Such a double standard, on both sides. I suppose we can only pray that men and women begin to open their eyes to the importance of encouragement of (and belief in) the other’s abilities.

Thanks for a wonderful post!

Sometimes though, our spouses parenting techniques just annoy us and writing about helps. If I didn’t vent about it some days my head would blow up. If he reads well too bad for him. But on the same note, he complains some times about my parenting techniques and it’s hard to take it but I do and we move on. It doesn’t change the fact that he’s a great dad – and immersed father.

It is, unfortunately, sometimes difficult to put thoughts like this into practice, especially when you are operating in a traditional marriage situation. My husband is a physician who works oodles of hours a week and I am a stay-at-home mom (I was working on a Ph.D. but put that on hold to take care of my son). Even in spite of how much my husband works, he always does his best to pitch in at home and take care of our son as much as he can. And it’s hard. I think that having a baby changes the dynamic of a relationship. and it teaches you things about yourself and your partner that you weren’t prepared to learn, so sometimes it’s difficult to avoid falling into the standard “dad bashing” or “mom bashing”, or however it goes. Add to that the fact that, just as you pointed out, it is socially acceptable for women to complain about their husbands (you should read the article from Parenting titled “Mad at Dad” @ http://www.parenting.com/article/Mom/Relationships/Mad-at-Dad) and it makes it really hard.

I also wanted to mention that, just like you said that women look down their noses at stay-at-home dads, there is sort of the same reaction to stay-at-home moms…FROM OTHER MOMS! I think when it comes down to it, we should just stop trying to put a title on the mentality that we all are equal (i.e. “feminism”), and just start respecting each other’s personal decisions in life. I applaud your heroism in the home, and your wife’s as well, for accepting and allowing the changes to happen.

Three cheers for your family!
M :)
http://Mandthe2Henrys.blogspot.com
http://HomemakerPhD.blogspot.com

Now, you may have used the term specifically to incite discussion (well done), but we need to do more than just redefine the word. Feminism has a long history of meaning, even a changing one, but to overcome the historical (and still existing) professional and educational disparity between men and women, it needed to tear apart patriarchal assumptions while building up women’s abilities. Let us not take that away from the term (on top of which, some people will get hung up on semantics and ignore the real point). As a white male, while it frustrates me that affirmative action seems to protect every group by my own, I also understand that it was and is still important.

It is also important to move beyond. What you, Backpacking Dad, seem to be, is a humanist (I know I just complained about people arguing semantics and that’s what I am doing, I know). Someone who is arguing for the equitable (not equal) contribution of both parents – not that they both do identical things, but that both have equally important roles to play.

Feminists, by necessity, had to tear down as they built up. Fathers (ignoring other potential situations where men get the short end of the stick, there may be a debate there that I want no part of at the moment), as you said, need to assert their willingness and their interest in being parents far more publicly and stridently than we have before. We don’t need to tear down a mother’s role to do that.

The goal (well, my goal anyway, I am projecting the rest) is that we get to the point where no one thinks of “father” as being synonymous with “sperm doner.” Some men are like that, but I think that disqualifies them from being fathers. When we get to the point that both parents are acknowledged for being parents and having something to contribute to the process, we will be in a good place.