Because if there is one thing keeping men from being good fathers, it’s their hair.

There’s just no end to the daily awesomeness that comes into my inbox. Today’s excitement, a pitch to guest post for me here. I’m not against guest posts. I’m not against pitches. But THERE IS NO WAY.

Hey there,

My name is (Pitch Dude) from (Company).  We provide custom, stock, and (Brand) hair systems along with a large selection of supplies related to wearing hair at a cost that is lower than most salons.  We pride ourselves on providing high quality customer service that we offer to those who require wigs, adhesives, and cleaning supplies.  We also receive a lot of positive feedback and return business from customers who order our custom made hair systems.

We have been heard from a lot of our clients that as fathers, they would have a lot less stress in their lives if there were able to have a hair system that helped their self esteem.  We were wondering if you’d be interested in having (Company) writing a guest blog post for your site aimed at helping fathers facing hair loss to feel good about themselves so that they can be better parents?  In exchange we would be more than happy to include a post about your site on our blog, so that both of our names are getting out there more.  Please let me know if you are at all interested in this idea.

Thanks,

(Pitch Dude)

I have pretty awesome hair. I quite enjoy it. Emily, and many, many others, have mocked me for my awesome hair. Being one of the “haves” in the hair department, I consider it my moral duty to support and encourage those men who face hair loss. It’s up to me to lessen the impact that loss has on their self-esteem because people with hair like mine rule the world and reap all the benefits of having great hair. Maybe someday I will lose my hair, and I will wish someone had tried to make the world a better place for people like Bald Me instead of just blithely going about their business with all of those awesome follicles.

But….

No.

Just, no.

Although Pitch Dude avoided the classic “their/there” confusion, he invented a brand new one: “they/their”. That’s impressive.

Also “We have been heard from a lot of our clients…”.

Also also: my name is Shawn. Not “Hey there”.

How’s your day?