Theft of a Quill (A Promissory Note Fulfilled)

06/17/2008 By Shawn Burns

We arose, her and I, glacial. Because she is smaller, her tiny heart pumped her brain full of bloody brilliance at a faster pace than my overgrown engine. Despite the extra neural-nutrition, she pronounced "Mama?" I replied "Dada." She insisted, incorrectly: "Mama?" And I corrected: "Dada."

"Mi, mi, mi, mi," she said aloud. "Give over my morning heifer hallucinogen, cad," she projected at me in my still near-defenseless state.

"Surely this morning we can forgo your usual cloudy concoction and instead partake of a genuine juice. Or some water. How about some water, kid?"

"Mi, mi, mi, mi." "Lookee, sir. Pour the moo-juice or you risk your earlobe the next time you seek a sweet embrace."

"Very well, you win." I alit from my nocturnal nest to procure her blanche bottle.

"Miiiiii……," she offered with a sigh, sinking back into her pillow and puffy pink pig.

Next stop on the Early Express: breakfast.

"Eggs, kid?"

"Are you hungry?"


"Yes. Food. But why must you always seek after a more precise idea of what we do here? Rather than, when I inquire as to your stomach-state, ask if I am going to provide some food, why don’t you just say "Yes, father, I am indeed hungry and will be happy to ingest whatever vittle you volunteer"?"


"You win. Here’s some food."

After a wipe-bath we resumed our journey toward noon.

"What do you want to wear today, kid?"


"Ah. Your diaper. Your pouch for poo. Your purse for pee. Need it changed, do you?"

"doot-doo?" "Do not try my patience sir. Exchange this soiled anchor for a clean ‘mallowy wrap and you shall earn my eternal gratitude. Betray me, and I will offer you nothing beyond The Littlest Pinch."

"There, diaper: changed. Pants: panted. Shirt: buttoned."

"Wa? Wa? Wa?"

"Ah, now that we are near departing you wish some water, do you?"

"WaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa……". "Yes."

"Ok, kid. Drink up, for I plan on dehydrating you for the rest of the day. I can only tolerate one sanitary switch, and you’ve already cashed in your shit chit and pee penny."

"Ready to go, kid?"


"What are you eating?"


"Come back."


"Success! I have you now! You are trapped, locked and secured in our dorsal device, and here, I lift, and slip straps and buckle belts. Keys. Door, open. Exuent!"


"We’re just staying in today aren’t we?"

"I win, guys."