Hello, my name is Backpacking Dad. Don’t let the "dad" part fool you; I clearly have a vagina. I mean, it would be ridiculous of me to try to become the star of a reality show about moms if I didn’t have one of those, right? Ergo, what we have here is a reductio ad absurdum against any claim that I don’t have a vagina.

Wow. I think I just defined my bait and tackle right out of existence.

Anyway….what makes me a good fit for a reality television show about moms? Well, I have a good imagination. So, even though I don’t actually have a vagina (previous logical proof notwithstanding, which just goes to show you how well logic serves you), I can imagine what the life of a modern mom must be like. Given the existence of the vacuum, the dishwasher, the microwave, and the washer and dryer it probably only takes about 3 minutes per week to accomplish every household task the modern mom (still obviously at home, probably barefoot and pregnant) is assigned. That leaves her oodles of time for child-rearing responsibilities. But she’s also married to a rich, handsome white guy so she can definitely afford a nanny to take care of the kids (and for her husband to have an affair with), so in the end, apart from the 3 minutes per week of housework she has to do, the modern mom has no responsibilities. She doesn’t even have to sleep with her husband, because that’s what the nanny is for. She has almost nothing but free time, and she fills that time, I believe, with pillow fights, video games, and fancy dinners out.

Well, let me tell you, you could hardly find a better person to engage in pillow fights, play video games, eat out, and definitely not sleep with even the richest white guy than yours truly right here. I believe I can really get inside the head of the modern mom. I’m just the mom you’re looking for. So please consider me for Project MomCasting, and watch your ratings go through the roof. Especially for the first pilllow fight of the season when I announce that this time it’s shirts versus skins. You’re welcome, Project MomCasting.

Backpacking Dad

Cross-posted at Happy Healthy Hip Parenting

I’ve been guest-blogging this week. At Unwellness I explain why mom is always carrying the diaper bag. At The Big Bad Blog I explain to my friend Steve that he’s just going to have to get used to being a dad blogger once his daughter is born. And at Wildfire I explain the lesser-known term “disestablishmentarianism” as though I know what I’m talking about.

I like to explain things.

Enjoy. And while you’re visiting these sites why not comb the archives? They’re looking a little bed-headed.

The Lawyer’s Daughter threw the door to my room open and marched in, idea buried firmly in her mind.

“Daddy, I want some juice in a cup with a lid.”

She’s been drinking from “big girl” cups for a while now, but since Adrian has graduated from bottles to soft-lidded cups Erin has been wallowing in her memories of snap-on lids and cups without straws.

Seeing her framed in the doorway, posturing, not pleading, I was struck in my soft middle by adoration. “Come here, baby girl,” I beckoned; and when she drew near enough I engulfed her in my arms and held her close, burying my nose in her hair and then swinging her from side to side in paternal enthusiasm. I kissed her cheek and tickled her until she squealed, and when I finally let her go I was lost, fully converted to her religion.

“You can have anything you want. Tell me what you want.”

“I want a cup with a lid,” she replied, pragmatically.

“Okay, you can have it. You can have anything. Anything at all, just ask for it and I will get it for you.” I was completely in love with her, this Lawyer’s Daughter, and as any fool in love will do I pledged impossible feats to prove the depth of my feelings.

“Anything, baby girl. What do you want in the whole world?”

She considered the problem for a moment, clearly engaged in a long index of the world’s offerings, and then she revealed what she wanted most from me.

“I also want some juice, daddy,” said the Lawyer’s Daughter.

She may not be dreaming large dreams at the moment, but she’s certainly dreaming dreams without loopholes.