Truant Officers Hate Him! This One Neat Trick Will Help You Get Your Kids To School On Time

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Do you suffer through delays, whining, and excuses from your kids in the morning when it’s time to go to school? Of course you do. We all do.

Well, this one neat trick will solve all of your problems! Never be late for school again! Never feel rushed! Keep your kids, and yourself, happy all day by getting off to just the right start!

Studies show that kids procrastinate between 5 and 900 minutes in the morning when getting ready for school. And this kind of delay is very frustrating for parents. Well, I’m here to tell you that you can avoid the contest of wills that comes from trying to get kids out the door on time.

I stumbled across this method when I was in one of my usual post-rush-out-the-door recovery naps. That’s when I do my best thinking. So I thought to myself, “Self, the kids take so long to eat their breakfast and get dressed in the morning that you always have to rush to get them to school on time. You should think of a better way!” And so I did. I thought and thought. And I figured out the answer.

It may seem obvious once you hear it. I mean, all great ideas are like that. We always think, “Well, I could have thought of that!” And you sure could have. By applying my “think and think” method to your parenting problems, nothing can stand in your way. And the proof is that I thought of how to get the kids out of the house on time without stressing or yelling or rushing them.

Are you ready?

I thought, “What if I woke up fifteen minutes earlier?”

Guess what? It totally works! When I started getting up fifteen minutes earlier, the kids were eating breakfast and getting dressed fifteen minutes earlier! They were putting on their shoes fifteen minutes earlier! We were getting out the door fifteen minutes earlier! We were getting to school fifteen minutes earlier!

You can use this method too. Simply PayPal $5 to me, and I will send you a Product Key for your very own “Get Up Fifteen Minutes Earlier” download. You will be ready to go in no time! (Well, fifteen minutes earlier than no time, in fact!)

Bonus: For those who get on board this method in the next fifteen minutes, I will include a free Accelerator Pack. In this Accelerator Pack, you will learn how to add even more time to your easy morning by having the kids get dressed BEFORE they have breakfast. That’s right, BEFORE! Research has shown that kids in pajamas eat much more slowly than kids who are dressed for school. Using this growing body of data, I devised the “Get Dressed Before Eating Breakfast” method, and I’m willing to include it FREE to a limited number of customers.

So act now to receive your “Get Up Fifteen Minutes Earlier” method and FREE Bonus Accelerator Pack. Supplies are limited!

October 17, 2014   2 Comments

Dad Blogger, Redux

I’ve spent a lot of the last nine months, the non-blogging months, finishing grad school. I’m done now. Hi, I’m Dr. Shawn Burns, Ph.D., and now I don’t know what I’m doing.

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I spent the spring finishing the writing and editing of my dissertation, while Adrian finished pre-school, and Erin finished first grade. I attended my commencement on Father’s Day, before I defended. I  defended on my birthday, in early July. I revised and submitted my dissertation to the university before the end of July (and before San Diego Comic-Con, which was my little reward for finishing that project). My dissertation was approved by the registrar at the end of July.

And yesterday my degree was conferred, officially. So it’s all official. There are no take-backs. I’m have a Ph.D. and I can never not have a Ph.D. again. Hooray, me. Now what do I do with it?

I am on the job market, but in a very limited way. We are not going to move, so I am not going to chase tenure-track jobs out of a very close geographical area. The story was different when I started grad school, and before we had kids. But reality is what it is. I will only look for jobs close to home, instead of making a home close to jobs. This year it’s looking like there are five or six positions for people with doctorates in my field, but there are zero for people with my specialty. So I won’t be getting any of those jobs.

Now I find myself back at the beginning, where this space started, as a stay-at-home dad with a blog. Back then it was a choice: I took a year off in order to stay home with Erin after she was born, and I wrote about what we were doing, which was all new for me. This feels like less of a choice. Like I have less right to identify as a stay-at-home dad if I am just not participating in the workforce for now, until something comes along. If I am still researching and writing and building a C.V. and portfolio in order to be hired, I don’t get to be in the club anymore. I’m not sure if there was even a club back then, or if I was in it, but I definitely don’t feel like I’m in one now. Who needs clubs? What are the stay-at-home dads up to, these days? What are dad bloggers doing? Is blogging stupid?

Is personal blogging stupid? Professional blogging? I tried to blog professionally for a while a few years ago, and the experience made me quit writing on my own blog, eventually. I didn’t like producing click-bait, participating in controversies, or trying to come up with the most facile, shareable content. I don’t know how to blog like the bloggers do today. I’m not even particularly funny when I blog. I’m funnier on Twitter.

So here I am in this space again and it all feels like a jacket I haven’t worn since I gained or lost weight. But I have time again, and a need to write things. I still have stories. Would you like to hear a story?

September 26, 2014   10 Comments

Parents Who Misuse the School Listserv Are The Enemy

The kids’ school listserv offers a very easy way for parents to communicate with each other, and for the school to communicate with parents. Each classroom can send messages just to its own members, or messages can go school-wide. How wonderful!

And then there are the parents who think it’s a social network and use it to promote their pet causes or private events that “might be of interest to other parents” but have nothing to do with the school.

“Come to this wonderful Cub Scouts thing two cities away that my family will be at!”

“Save the local market from the evil developer! Sign this petition!”

“There’s a really interesting workshop on Rainbow Looms going on downtown next week!”

I don’t want to be the jerk here (though I do kind of want to be the jerk), but I am extraordinarily tempted to start a snarky listserv war.

“I think it’s very important that we decide if we, as parents, are Star Wars or Star Trek fans, and no, you cannot be both!”

“If we all go in on the lottery together, we could buy like 1000 tickets! We would definitely win!”

“Wanted: A new or gently used juicer. For sale: a gently used blender that my wife says “definitely looks like a juicer, but obviously isn’t which you would have noticed if you’d read the box”.”

I guess what I’m saying is: Don’t be the parent who sends a message to the entire school that begins with, “I know this doesn’t really concern the school, but…”

January 9, 2014   2 Comments