Backpacking Dad Recommends: The Universal EveryTool
I received a package in the mail a while ago that contained probably the world’s greatest Universal EveryTool. The package was from Drew at Eden Fantasys and as befits free products sent from one man to another, the Tool was exactly what you’d have expected.
I’d like to take some time to explain precisely why the Universal EveryTool is the most important thing to hit the Males 18-35 demographic since Star Wars was released.
First, as with any product aimed at the male demographic (think cars, motorcycles, cooking magazines), the Universal EveryTool comes packaged with a picture of a half-naked woman right there on the front. Basically, this is the cue that yes, this product has nothing to do with women and will only be of interest to men. Women would never buy a product with a picture of a half-naked them on the packaging.
Second, the Universal EveryTool is metallic. Look, it says “metallic” right there on the packaging. Given a choice between metallic and non-metallic guys will go for metallic every time. What kind of colour should my Hummer be? Gun metal. What kind of paint should we use in the living room? Metallic blue. What kind of cheesecake should we send to uncle Pete in prison? Nail file. Metallic is in with the guys.
Third, the Unviersal EveryTool comes with some pretty sweet custom designs scrolled on the side.
These designs help you identify the Universal EveryTool by touch alone when you’re rooting around in your tool box or kitchen drawer for it in the dark.
Fourth, the Universal EveryTool is easily disassembled for cleaning and storage
If you really want to test your manliness get four or five Universal EveryTools and throw the parts in a bag, turn out the light, and see if you can assemble them all in the dark. You could do it if you were in the army. Wuss.
Now let’s talk about functionality. The Universal EveryTool comes with several attachments that make it the most versatile tool in your home.
There’s the whisk attachment, which will quickly turn eggs (still in the shell)
into perfect mayonnaise!
The Universal EveryTool also comes with a hyper-cutting attachment
that can easily cut this American penny into
its monetary constituents, two Canadian dollar coins and a game token from the Santa Cruz Boardwalk arcade.
Use the bottle-washer attachment
to get your plastic pumpkins sparkly clean
and filled with candy!
Keep your Universal EveryTool handy by storing it with your spices. It will certainly “spice up” your domestic life. It also doubles as a spice grinder, so never worry about biting into a whole clove or peppercorn again!
“This is all well and good, Backpacking Dad, but you haven’t shown me that this is a good buy. How do I know the Universal EveryTool will be able to handle the extreme uses to which I’ll put it?”
Well, I’m glad you asked that question. I put the Universal EveryTool through the toughest stress test I could think of:
Surprisingly, the Universal EveryTool withstood the hammer for many blows. It is blow-resistant. Raining blows upon it has no effect. It is not responsive to blows. With a hammer.
However, much of the Universal EveryTool’s durability had to do with its component construction. Disassembling the Universal EveryTool greatly reduced its strength. After the protection was removed it was entirely easy to penetrate the Universal EveryTool with the hammer.
But most people, I think, would agree that this is the wrong way to use the Universal EveryTool anyway, so in ordinary usage I doubt this kind of stress would ever be applied to it.
In short, I highly recommend the Universal EveryTool to every man on your list this holiday season. It is well-rounded, functional, and durable. But, as is the case with the other tools in your toolbox, make sure to keep the ladies away from it. They wouldn’t know what to do with it and would probably hurt themselves with it and then you’d have to deal with the screaming and moaning about the Universal EveryTool instead of being able to use it in peace in the way the manufacturer intended.
Thanks again Drew. You have a great product for sale there at Eden Fantasys (that’s a weird title for a hardware store, by the way).
(Editor’s Note: Battery and masking tape not included in the basic Universal EveryTool set. Purchase the “HandyMan Set” for the full range of accessories.)
(Editor’s Wife’s Note: What the hell, dude?)
(Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Note: What?)
(Editor’s Wife’s Reply to Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Note: Parts of this post made you sound….is there something you need to tell me?)
(Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Reply to Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Note: You’re just mad that they don’t design these for women to use in their sphere’s, like law offices and Capitol Hill and only men, with their kitchen-and-hardware savvy understand how they work.)
(Editor’s Wife’s Reply to Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Reply to Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Note: Fine. Get in the kitchen and bake me a pie.)
(Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Reply to Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Reply to Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Note: Done. I have just the tool for that.)
(Editor’s Wife’s Reply to Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Reply to Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Reply to Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Note: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!)
(Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Reply to Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Reply to Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Reply to Editor’s Reply to Editor’s Wife’s Note: No, that’s what HE said.)
45 comments
OH MY GOD. I am… I don’t even know. Laughing? Horrified? In awe?
HILARIOUS.
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BEST EdenFantasys review EVAR.
I must get my husband a Universal EveryTool!
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That was one of the most awesome things i have ever seen. its fantastic you have a picture of your daughter and candy on the same page. you are a sexy man. all those pictures you took were extremely good, and all worked very well at stirring my sense of humor. You are the greatest. Please write to me personally in an e-mail so I can get to know you better. I want to marry you.
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This? Is chock full of awesome.
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Very awesome review, man. And don’t worry. I’ll be mortified on your behalf that you can’t distinguish between plurals and possessives.
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I buy my husband a Universal Every Tool every six months or so. You think he got the nickname Tool Man just because he sells tools? That’s just crazy talk, mister!
p.s. – If that thing packed a punch, it would be a Bullet Of Awesome. Eh, who am I kidding? The best Universal Every Tools pack a hell of a punch. I’m talking a Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse kind of punch. Amen.
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I think I’m having EveryTool envy.
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Bwahaha! I think the lovely white fancy dish was the perfect backdrop… The versatility ofthe EveryTool astounds and amuses!
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The whisk attachment did me in. I was laughing so hard I nearly had an accident. Where’s the disclaimer in the beginning warning that it is NSFW (in that you will laugh so hard you become disruptive to your coworkers)? Still ROFLMAO!
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holy shit that was an awesome post.
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Oh…heheheh…muhgoodness…snort…
You, sir, are delightful.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
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Oh holy hell. That’s one of the best reviews I’ve ever read. Please tell me you’re going to review the Handy Man Set too?
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Why am I friends with you?
YOU BROKE A VIBRATOR!!! That’s against one of the major covenants of our friendship you DORK.
Emily, you are a strong woman to live with this man. Willingly.
GAH.
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Maybe I’ll get one of those…for my husband. Sounds like “he” would really enjoy it.
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Bravo, my friend. And to think all this time I’d been using mine to frighten children at the local playground. I’ll go home and make mayonnaise right now!
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No toothbrush attachment? Seems like a natural.
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LMAO. I almost had the laughter under control until i read croutonboy’s comment!!!! This puts all my reviews to shame…..
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Best. Advertisement. Ever. Period.
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this was just hilarious!!
I am still laughing !
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I think the real star here is, as usual, the tape. Tape is one of mankind’s greatest inventions.
As a side note, I have the same bottle brush. It’s kind of odd to see a picture of it being violated all the way across the country.
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LiteralDan, I totally agree the tape is the best part. Except, shouldn’t it be duct tape? What self-respecting handyman uses MASKING TAPE?
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…and when I think of what I’ve been using mine for all this time…*blush*
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That? Was the best review I’ve ever read.
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You are so clever. And so dorky!
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Pure genius, love your work thanks for the laugh you made my day !
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It also comes in purple. And the purple one *cough* whisks wonderfully. But I’ll take your word on the versatility of the blue version.
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*snort* Perfection.
And, now I want pie.
Wait. What?!
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Is that the holiday turkey platter the tool laying on?!?!?!
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Whoa…..I could definitely make some amazing mayonnaise with this!
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The fricken mayonnaise… I almost peed… EL OH EL
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All I can say is … I couldn’t stop laughing!
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I have a bright neon green Universal EveryTool I’ve named Shrek. My husband was chasing me around the house with Shrek in his hand the other day. I swear, you men love your tools!
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[...] post: Backpacking Dad Recommends: The Universal EveryTool — Backpacking Dad November 10th, 2009 at 8:55 [...]
Real men put it in their vaginas!
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Dude, how about a warning in the first line! I’m with uthostage, duct tape would have been better.
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Holy crap. I just found your blog, and it’s AWESOME.
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I’d like to know how the Universal EveryTool can help with yard work – overgrown bushes, things that need mowing, etc.
Hilarious post.
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I don’t even know what to say – masking tape?
Obviously the duct tape was in short supply to hold up the car’s transmission, right?
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Hilarious review. I particularly love the bottle washing idea. I wish someone had told me about that when our son was younger.
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I just peed myself.
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oh man, no words for how funny that was! I have a degree in the temporary repair of the every tool I could give tutorials on mayonnaise manufacturing.
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dude, that is just plain hilarious.
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WOW, that was awesome! Usually any blog Stumble takes me too is a bunch of copy/pasted BS, but this was AMAZING. Stumbled UP.
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