Cyborg Ninja Zombies from the Epsilon Quadrant

12/04/2009 By Shawn Burns

Augustine’s great sin was the theft of an apple. He stole it from an orchard, and he would regret it for the rest of his life.

“Auggie,” said his time-traveling friend from the future, Tom, “trust me on this: that apple is the least of your worries.”

Augustine watched as Tom faded into the future again. “Damn me, but that dude needs to upgrade his metaphysical time-traveling effects. That looked like a slideshow wipe.”

But it turned out Tom was right, if a bit of a prick. The owners of the orchard were Cyborg Ninja Zombies from the Epsilon Quadrant.

And they wanted revenge.

Or they wanted an apple.

But Augustine had no apples, having eaten his stolen orb and his lack of apples being the reason for the theft in the first place.

“I believe I shall have to fight them. But I wonder, will their weakness turn out to be a too-literal interpretation of their concept? Because that would be cool, and allusive.”

But no, the Cyborg Ninja Zombies from the Epsilon Quadrant were armored against interpretive weaknesses. They had cool ninja swords.

Augustine had a secret, secret weapon. But these were ninja, and they had found his secret, secret weapon weeks earlier and replaced it with a black rose so that when Augustine reached into the place where he kept his secret, secret weapon, expecting to feel the Flail of Justice sitting there all tine-y and sharp he instead pricked his finger on a thorn, cursed the clever Ninja, and tried to flee.

Tom, the time-traveling sorta friend wiped into view. “Hey! Nice Fla….hey, where’s the Flail of Justice?”

“Not now Tom. Running from Cyborg Ninja Zombies from the Epsilon Quadrant.”

“Why? There are only three of them. Dispatch the first with Wit, the second with Humor, and the third with Flair.”

“You’re an idiot. They have ninja swords. And a creepy shuffling walk. And a weird whirring noise coming from their spines.”

“Have you tried puppies?”

“Ah. Well, no. Good plan.”

So Augustine unleashed the puppies, and the Cyborg Ninja Zombies from the Epsilon Quadrant ran away.

They returned two days later with a bushel of apples for Augustine, but they extracted a promise from him to never unleash his puppies on them again. “We fear their cold noses.”

“Very well. Will you sign my autograph book?”

And that is how it came to pass that on the fourth day of September, in the year of our Lord three hundred ninety-five, St. Augustine of Hippo received three inscriptions in his book: Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, and Saint Nicholas.

And they lived happily ever after they ate his brains.

It was all a trick.

Now powered by St. Augustine’s brain the Cyborg Ninja Zombies from the Epsilon Quadrant were able to recharge their dilapidated ship’s energy core and return to the Epsilon Quadrant.

And that is why you’ve never heard of them.