A Blog Post About What Is On TV Right Now

03/17/2010 By Shawn Burns

I’m bored. I finished a huge chunk of grading just ahead of another huge chunk of grading. The kids are asleep. Emily has some work to do so she left the room rather than deal with me cracking walnuts while standing over her waiting for her to do a magic trick or something.

I have a nice TV in my living room, and I’m watching it. Sort of. I’ve realized 20 minutes in to some “Saturday Nigh Fever: Behind the scenes” show that I’m not really paying attention.

So, in the next two minutes, (it’s 10:58pm) I’m going to find something to watch. It’s going to be amazing. But I have rules.

Rule #1: It must start at 11pm. I will not jump into the middle of a show or movie.

Rule #2: It must not be porn. It’s still Saint Patrick’s day, and that’s basically like Christmas. Do you watch porn on Christmas? Don’t make the baby Jesus decapitate you.

Rule #3: I, uh, need to stop typing rules and get to the flipping through channels, because I’m running out of time now.


Seinfeld. Maybe. But I’m kind of done with Seinfeld and Larry David. Especially now that Seinfeld has a show on NBC that is essentially rich, beautiful celebrities judging and making fun of non-famous Americans out of a sense of entitled revenge for all the tabloid consumption going on. Stay classy, Jerry.

News…news…news….no. I don’t watch the news. I have a Twitter account.

TMZ. Not without my wife. She makes me watch it. She does.

An Office rerun. Why? I’ve already seen every episode in reruns more than five times. Although it’s very re-watchable, there might also be porn on somewhere. (I know what I said. Leave me alone. Wait, maybe you shouldn’t leave me alone.)

Various sports that no one watches because they aren’t hockey….No.

Hockey recap show. Not on a night when the Wings aren’t playing. Or were they playing? I should check the show to see if they were. But…that’s what the Internet is for. No, they weren’t playing.

Kathy Griffin something or other on Bravo: Who the fuck watches Kathy Griffin anything? If you tell me that you do I’m going to have to have a moose bite your sister.

Dog the Bounty Hunter: No. It starts at 11:01. That violates Rule #1.

Lopez Tonight. Never. Never ever ever. I don’t even watch good talk shows.

Leverage. Hmmm. It’s rated TV-PG. I need parental guidance. I don’t know what my parents would say about it, and it’s too late to call them to ask. So I’ll skip it.

Veronica Guerin. I don’t know what that movie is about, but apparently it’s about Ireland in some way. I think I’ll save that one for Saint Patrick’s Day.

Nash Bridges. I am happy to say that I’ve never watched a single episode of that show. I want to remain happy.

Hollywood Homicide. Seen it. I think. I forget. Whatever. I don’t like Josh Hartnett, and Harrison Ford started wearing an earring when he hooked up with Ally McBeal so now Han Solo and I have a problem. I gave up my earring nineteen years ago. We can no longer be friends.

Generic and stupid Style Network show. What’s generic and stupid for “no”?

X-Play. While it sounds titillating, the only boobs on the screen are wearing headsets and yelling “orders” to their “squadmates”. This is a show about new video games. I only play Nintendo (NES) games. Friday the 13th and Predator FTW!

Colbert Report. I refuse to watch any right wing political talk show. Stephen Colbert can go to Hell. I used to think he was funny when he was passing as a liberal.

Good Eats. You know, I like Good Eats. I like Good Eats even though Alton Brown is apparently Born-again and I can’t be friends with anyone who didn’t make up their mind about God in high school when we knew everything.

A bunch of crap on channels I never watch like Travel, Discovery, Animal Planet, The Learning Channel….oh, hey! There’s The Soup Awards on E! ….Which I’ve already seen twice. So….maybe?

More things on channels I never watch like Nat Geo, History Channel….I’m surprisingly uninterested in educating myself through television. Unless it’s about the history of Saturday Night Fever.

Anderson Cooper or Glenn Beck? You can both go to Hell. No one with a brain or a soul cares what you think.

King of the Hill. I think I stopped watching when they were in the alley that one time drinking.

Rachel Maddow. See above re: going to Hell.

Okay. So….I was typing this while the Saturday Nigh Fever show was on and then Emily came out and we talked for while and then when I sat down to write again it was coming up on 11:30. I can’t figure out if I won.

But let’s keep playing! Now for the 11:30 shows, still with Rule #1 and Rule #2 in effect!

Cheers. Not since Sam and Dianne broke up. Or got together. Or got married. Or didn’t get married. Or married other people. Or Norm drank all day without getting drunk or paying for a beer.

Will & Grace. I used to love this show. I think a sign of it’s success and cultural effect is that it now looks trite and shallow and regressive.

We have Crash, some Starz show based on the very excellent movie that starred Topher Grace and some other people. But I hate starting a show in the middle of a season like this.

There’s a movie on a Cinemax channel that isn’t porn, but it’s starring Dean Cain so it might be about as bad as porn. “Militia”, anyone? No?

And….that’s about it.

I think I’ll finish watching this “Saturday Night Fever: Inside” show. I’ve been watching it essentially from the beginning. Sort of.

Anyone have any coke? I mean coke zero. No calories, see?