Backpacking Dad Endures the Worst Pain Anyone Has Ever Endured

07/21/2010 By Shawn Burns

The three kidnappers came in the afternoon. I was just starting to think about making dinner (a “london broil” that was on sale that I bought despite all of the experience I’ve had not being able to make “london broil” taste like anything worth eating) when they burst into the kitchen via the garage door.

“You’re coming with us, and you aren’t going to like it very much!” said one.

“You’re coming with us, and you aren’t going to like it at all!” said another.

“You’re coming with us, and we’re totally going to make you watch a Twilight movie!” said the third.

They were very insistent.

After generous application of a cattle prod to my back my kidnappers forced me out the door and into their kidnapper van. It was one of those vans with curtains on the windows. I hate those vans.

The kidnappers drove me to a movie theater, bought some goddamned Raisinettes and a Slushy, forced them into my hands, and then led me away into the darkness.

I don’t remember much about what happened after that. There was something sparkly, and a girl no one likes but everyone seems to be in love with, and a guy who couldn’t keep his damn shirt on.

I wish I could describe the pain I felt in my eyeballs, but I don’t have a way with words. It was kind of like stabbing your eyes with knitting needles seven times then tilting your head back and pouring vinegar into your bleeding eye sockets. It was like passing a kidney Lautner. It was like getting punched in the face by the Friendly Giant after he’d had a few and had stepped on his tiny furniture and was totally pissed off because he was going to have to go to Amish country to get some new tiny furniture for all of his tiny guests to sit on.

My kidnappers drove me home and tossed me out of their van like yesterday’s Twilight movie. I stumbled back inside the house and collapsed in a heap, eyes still aflame with ocular Chlamydia.

And then I died.


This story brought to you by the fact that I totally slammed the toes on my left foot in the door and the nail on my second-smallest toe immediately turned blue and will probably fall of any second now. I didn’t really see a Twilight movie. But you know how when you’re in pain they say you can take your mind off of it by getting hurt somewhere else? I just wanted to imagine the worst pain possible to take my mind off the fact that I nearly cut my toes off with a door.

I do hate Raisinettes and vans with curtains on the windows, though.