Backpacking Dad, Reality TV Star

07/29/2010 By Shawn Burns

Hello, my name is Backpacking Dad. Don’t let the "dad" part fool you; I clearly have a vagina. I mean, it would be ridiculous of me to try to become the star of a reality show about moms if I didn’t have one of those, right? Ergo, what we have here is a reductio ad absurdum against any claim that I don’t have a vagina.

Wow. I think I just defined my bait and tackle right out of existence.

Anyway….what makes me a good fit for a reality television show about moms? Well, I have a good imagination. So, even though I don’t actually have a vagina (previous logical proof notwithstanding, which just goes to show you how well logic serves you), I can imagine what the life of a modern mom must be like. Given the existence of the vacuum, the dishwasher, the microwave, and the washer and dryer it probably only takes about 3 minutes per week to accomplish every household task the modern mom (still obviously at home, probably barefoot and pregnant) is assigned. That leaves her oodles of time for child-rearing responsibilities. But she’s also married to a rich, handsome white guy so she can definitely afford a nanny to take care of the kids (and for her husband to have an affair with), so in the end, apart from the 3 minutes per week of housework she has to do, the modern mom has no responsibilities. She doesn’t even have to sleep with her husband, because that’s what the nanny is for. She has almost nothing but free time, and she fills that time, I believe, with pillow fights, video games, and fancy dinners out.

Well, let me tell you, you could hardly find a better person to engage in pillow fights, play video games, eat out, and definitely not sleep with even the richest white guy than yours truly right here. I believe I can really get inside the head of the modern mom. I’m just the mom you’re looking for. So please consider me for Project MomCasting, and watch your ratings go through the roof. Especially for the first pilllow fight of the season when I announce that this time it’s shirts versus skins. You’re welcome, Project MomCasting.

Backpacking Dad

Cross-posted at Happy Healthy Hip Parenting