Man Cold

I have a cold. I have what is disparagingly referred to by many women as a “man cold”.

I assure you, the Man Cold is nothing to be mocked. Men are strong like bull, so any cold that lays us out must have been dropped off by Typhoid Mary herself.

The Man Cold comes in two major varieties: Pay No Attention To Me While I Sigh Mightiliy And Perform Menial Tasks In Front Of You, and But The Fridge Is So Far Away From This Couch And The Orange Juice Is Too Heavy For My Diseased Arms To Lift.

The first variety, PNATMWISMAPMTIFOY, is accompanied by only minor outward symptoms: a slightly runny nose and an occasional cough. However, internally the struggle is monumental. Every job the man with the PNATMWISMAPMTIFOY strain of man cold does could be the death of him, which makes his willingness to perform them a valiant sacrifice. For you, ladies. He does it for you. Thank god for the man willing to keep being manly during this kind of Man Cold. Thankfully, the PNATMWISMAPMTIFOY virus is easily cured with a visit from the nurse. You know the one.

The second variety is much more severe. BTFISFAFTCATOJITHFMDATL turns even the most heroic man into an inert lump. If a man has caught the lesser PNATMWISMAPMTIFOY virus and it goes untreated by a nurse it can weaken the man enough that the BTFISFAFTCATOJITHFMDATL virus can take hold. The man will be incapable of moving from the couch or changing the channel from hockey or football to whatever channel So You Think You Can Dance is on. The only cure for BTFISFAFTCATOJITHFMDATL is the promise of a long weekend in Vegas without the kids. Many men are lost to BTFISFAFTCATOJITHFMDATL each year, and all because of improper nursing of the PNATMWISMAPMTIFOY virus.

There is a third, very rare variety of Man Cold that only Stay at Home Dads get: I’m Still A Good Parent Even When I’m Sick But Yes I Am Letting The Kids Watch Monsters Inc For The Eighth Time Today. There is no cure for this strain except for time, and it is only exacerbated if it hears you talking about it.

27 thoughts on “Man Cold”

  1. I really had no idea that it was so scientific. Thanks for clarifying. Now I feel bad for all the times I haven't nursed my husband back from the brink.

  2. One solution! Go on a Mancation! You chug beer, scratch balls and grunt at appropriate intervals. You know, do man stuff. I'm sure that'll help you get over your man cold.

  3. hilarious…. this explains a lot, the nurse tended to avoid PNATMWISMAPMTIFOY

      1. I believe that means something else is wrong with you other than the PNATMWISMAPMTIFOY and BTFISFAFTCATOJITHFMDATL

  4. Just put it all out there for everyone to read. Man, didn't you get the memo? Now they know. I have to tell my wife she no longer is crazy if she doesn't read your blog.

    I think I'm getting sick.

    Casey

  5. Gesundheit.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

    K (who, as a Mom, isn't permitted to be ill, despite what her immune system tries to tell her on occasion)

  6. This post should be bronzed and given to every woman at the time of her marriage.

  7. Bless you, Shawn, from the province of New Brunswick. I found you via your "Back to the Nursing Home Shopping" comment on Attack of the Redneck Mommy's blog…am so happy to discover yet another talented Canadian blogger!

    Okay…enough ass-kissing for now…you need your rest…

    Wendy

  8. I'm commenting from my phone because my wife thought that putting the baby to bed was more important than opening my laptop for me. Clearly, when society still sees things like restless leg syndrome deserving of its own drug, while man cold sufferers wallow as the butt of ridicule on the internet, someone needs to call up A&E to create a series. This is a first volley in our struggle. I want soup…

  9. I’m commenting from my phone because my wife thought that putting the baby to bed was more important than opening my laptop for me. Clearly, when society still sees things like restless leg syndrome deserving of its own drug, while man cold sufferers wallow as the butt of ridicule on the internet, someone needs to call up A&E to create a series. This is a first volley in our struggle. I want soup…

  10. I’m commenting from my phone because my wife thought that putting the baby to bed was more important than opening my laptop for me. Clearly, when society still sees things like restless leg syndrome deserving of its own drug, while man cold sufferers wallow as the butt of ridicule on the internet, someone needs to call up A&E to create a series. This is a first volley in our struggle. I want soup…

  11. I need a weekend in Vegas. Although I probably only have PNATMWISMAPMTIFOY, it would be wise for me to try the cure for BTFISFAFTCATOJITHFMDATL

  12. I need a weekend in Vegas. Although I probably only have PNATMWISMAPMTIFOY, it would be wise for me to try the cure for BTFISFAFTCATOJITHFMDATL

  13. Wait, so mocking and ridicule don’t cure the Man Cold? 

    Well, if all else fails, I like to prescribe Cleaning Out The Shed, Stacking The Firewood, and Changing The Oil In The Car. Trust me, by the time he gets to the firewood that Man Cold has magically cleared up.

    Momma don’t mess around.

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