Man Cold

08/30/2010 By Shawn Burns

I have a cold. I have what is disparagingly referred to by many women as a “man cold”.

I assure you, the Man Cold is nothing to be mocked. Men are strong like bull, so any cold that lays us out must have been dropped off by Typhoid Mary herself.

The Man Cold comes in two major varieties: Pay No Attention To Me While I Sigh Mightiliy And Perform Menial Tasks In Front Of You, and But The Fridge Is So Far Away From This Couch And The Orange Juice Is Too Heavy For My Diseased Arms To Lift.

The first variety, PNATMWISMAPMTIFOY, is accompanied by only minor outward symptoms: a slightly runny nose and an occasional cough. However, internally the struggle is monumental. Every job the man with the PNATMWISMAPMTIFOY strain of man cold does could be the death of him, which makes his willingness to perform them a valiant sacrifice. For you, ladies. He does it for you. Thank god for the man willing to keep being manly during this kind of Man Cold. Thankfully, the PNATMWISMAPMTIFOY virus is easily cured with a visit from the nurse. You know the one.

The second variety is much more severe. BTFISFAFTCATOJITHFMDATL turns even the most heroic man into an inert lump. If a man has caught the lesser PNATMWISMAPMTIFOY virus and it goes untreated by a nurse it can weaken the man enough that the BTFISFAFTCATOJITHFMDATL virus can take hold. The man will be incapable of moving from the couch or changing the channel from hockey or football to whatever channel So You Think You Can Dance is on. The only cure for BTFISFAFTCATOJITHFMDATL is the promise of a long weekend in Vegas without the kids. Many men are lost to BTFISFAFTCATOJITHFMDATL each year, and all because of improper nursing of the PNATMWISMAPMTIFOY virus.

There is a third, very rare variety of Man Cold that only Stay at Home Dads get: I’m Still A Good Parent Even When I’m Sick But Yes I Am Letting The Kids Watch Monsters Inc For The Eighth Time Today. There is no cure for this strain except for time, and it is only exacerbated if it hears you talking about it.