Contributing to the Discussion

11/18/2010 By Shawn Burns

I came across a blog entry recently about photragenical pansimaring, and even though many other fine writers have taken on this topic I cannot withhold my opinion from the blogosphere about it. Photragenical pansimaring, you see, has affected my family deeply.

When I was a kid we owned a zingacklebarker. Well, really it was my father’s zingacklebarker, but everybody in the house used it. Little did we know, zingacklebarkers contain photragenical pansimaring. It was the 80’s, so long before the public started to grow aware of the unethical testing of photragenical pansimaring on animals. And it was well before the early boycott of the Nanbolwimha Corporation for their shady marketing of products containing photragenical pansimaring in Third World countries. It was before photragenical pansimaring was linked to the deaths of four political interns and the 1989 earthquake that interrupted the World Series. It was the 80’s. It was before everything.

One thing we’ve learned about photragenical pansimaring in recent years is that it’s in vaccines. It is also in arugula. Do your kids eat arugula? Mine do, and I just feel like one of the lucky ones, since my children have been spared the dreaded A-word: Algrinism. As we all know, Algrinism is the fastest growing medical condition for kids under the age of five in suburban middle-class households. There’s no evidence that there’s a link between photragenical pansimaring and Algrinism, but the increase in arugula consumption in white flight enclaves cannot be ruled out as the cause because, frankly, I’m not willing to believe anything scientists tell me. They can’t even get physics right. String theory? Honestly, now they’re just making stuff up.

Among the middle-aged, photragenical pansimaring is suspected of causing breast augmentation and testicular piercing. Again, there’s no real evidence of this, but I knew this one woman with a boob job who also had a zingacklebarker when she was young, and a dude with a Prince Charles in his scrotum who was vaccinated against the flu last year. Anecdotes indicate truth, y’all.

Probably the scariest thing photragenical pansimaring can do is cause hearing loss and reduced comprehension in old people. It is in denture adhesive, so that explains the rash of “Whazzat? Who der? Dagnabbit!” exclamations that can be easily overheard in any retirement community.

And finally, my personal story. We had the zingacklebarker when I was a kid, and even though I wasn’t supposed to I brought it with me when I went to college, hidden in my jacket. From college I brought it with me to San Jose, California. And once in California the photragenical pansimaring in the zingacklebarker leaked out all over the living room floor, sinking into the carpet. The same carpet my kids would crawl on before they could walk.

And now they’re ridiculous.

What? It must be the photragenical pansimaring. Because they sure as hell don’t get it from me.