The Top 5 Ways You Are Using Twitter Wrong

I’ve long said that to complain someone is using Twitter wrong is like complaining that they are using paper wrong. It’s a medium for communication, so most criticisms of usage are really just criticisms of what is being communicated. While some people might disagree that others should be saying what they are saying at all it’s a stretch to indict them for also misusing a tool that is so open and formless.

Most “you’re doing it wrong” posts about Twitter are really just “Here are things that bug me about you” or “I really hate it when I have to read these types of Tweets” posts. They are lists of pet peeves. Sometimes they are couched in “you will hurt your brand” terms or some other best practices criticism that, while ostensibly about trying to convince people to use Twitter differently in order to improve their own lives, are really about the critic himself.

All that being said, there really are ways you are using Twitter wrong and you need to stop right now.

Top 5 Ways You Are Using Twitter Wrong

1. You are participating in corporate Twitter parties about cleaning products which are boring as hell so why couldn’t you find one sponsored by a beer or gun company?

2. You are complaining about all the corporate Twitter parties and how Corporation X is so evil oh my god but really even more than just routinely evil this one is so bad it blows your mind that anyone would ever mention their products.

3. You are live-Tweeting television shows that are on tape-delay where I live.

4. You are live-Tweeting stupid television shows like anything on CBS that isn’t The Big Bang Theory instead of awesome television shows like Dexter.

5. You are using Twitter to complain about tumblr being down. What the hell is tumblr? No, don’t answer. Then I’ll probably have to start tweeting about how terrible it is that it’s down.

There’s my list. It’s definitive. But just because it’s definitive doesn’t mean you can’t add your own. Perhaps I’m not sure what “definitive” means.


25 thoughts on “The Top 5 Ways You Are Using Twitter Wrong”

    1. It's way fun. I like the ones that don't even do giveaways, but they just

      want everyone to talk about their best experience with the product. Those

      are subversive comedy.

    2. I tried to participate in a wine twitter party, turns out even wine didn't make them more fun.

  1. PHEW! So glad that "tweeting about food" and "tweeting about the weather," or, better yet, "tweeting about medical issues nobody really cares about" did NOT make the list…yet :( I mean, it is what some of us (ahem) tweet about best :)

  2. 1. You are tweeting sponsored content about tampons while I'm trying to eat breakfast and, yes, @Jesus_M_Christ, that means YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.

    2. You are tweeting about how inconsiderate and miserable the entire world is as you eat the last donut from the office break room, even though you already ate six other donuts this morning.

    3. You are tweeting to yell at East Coast peeps for spoiling TV shows immediately after you tweet that you are WAY to busy to be in twitter because you have an appointment with Oprah to go over her Favorite Things list.

  3. My add: "I just ran 67 miles in 45 minutes on one arm, and I feel great! Soo much better than yesterday when it took me an hour!"

  4. I'm obviously too old to understand the whole twitter concept. Yes I have an account and attempt (that is the optimal word) to toy with it. But honestly, do I care that you just went to the grocery store to buy milk. No, I don't.

      1. Back in MY day, we had to tweet using a pointed stick on a clay tablet, and we were limited to a paltry 97 characters, and had to carry the clay tablet UPHILL 5 miles to get it translated into smoke signals, and then carry the clay tablet back home (UPHILL AGAIN, natch), where we then had to dig clay out of the bare, frozen ground with our own 2 hands to do any RTs. So consider yourselves lucky!!

  5. I just checked in at my gynecologists office! I'm the Mayor of Vagina Town!
    I mean seriously? Do I need to know you're getting your 3000 mile hoo-ha check up?

  6. I'm pleased to see Weekend Twitter Movie Dates aren't wrong. Sorely lacking, but definitely not wrong.

    (unless you include your day's horoscope in the tweet)

  7. I don't get twitter at all. Whats so great about it? Also, if it has a retweet button why do people do the RT thing. I just dont get it. Thanks for the words of wisdom though. :)

    1. The retweet button on the Twitter website behaves differently from copying

      the text and typing RT at the beginning. It won't let you add your own text,

      for instance.

      As for what's so great about it? Hey look! Puppies!

  8. 1. You Tweet every five minutes about some medical procedure you've had done, the pain associated with it and the resulting scarring that scars me.

    2. You like Jimmie Johnson and Tweet about it.

    3. You retweet every friggin news item from the last ten minutes…in three minutes.

    4. You spam me. And Spam=anything pimping something I don't give a shit about.

    5. All you Tweet is about your book, your business or your politics. Variation is the key. Otherwise? You're booooooooring.

  9. Here's the original version of the Monty Python sketch I was (badly) imitating: Nice surprise to see Marty Feldman in with the boys, doing this classic:

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