What Could Make a Dad Do an Actual Ninja Roll and Scream “Nooooooo!!!”?

I popped the bedroom television on after lunch and let the kids watch Sesame Street while I tried to sweep pasta from the floor. Have you ever tried to…no, of course you have. You’re parents. You have all swept pasta. (If you throw some dirt down there with it, the pasta is easier to sweep. So encourage your kids to dump their sand-filled shoes out all over the kitchen floor before lunch and you’ll have an easy time of it afterwards.)

Time slipped away a bit. The kids were quiet, the kitchen was getting cleaned cleaner, I paid too much attention to Charlie Sheen. And then I heard the most feared sound in the world coming from the bedroom, harbinger of terror and creator of nightmares. My kids were alone in there, without me to protect them, and it was in there with them.

“….you, you love me, we’re a happy fami…..”

I ran around the corner yelling “Noooooooooooo!!!!” in slow motion and then did an actual ninja roll onto the bed so I could get to the remote on the far night stand and press “channel up” before Barney and his minions could finish their assault.

I ended up on the Steve Wilkos show, where the caption beneath the woman being interviewed read: “Are You Hitting On My Son?” Possibly not the best alternative, but my kids can’t read. (Neither can your baby. I don’t care what you think is going on when you pull out the “Your Baby Can Read” flashcards.) I will do a lot to protect my children. Don’t mess with me, Barney.

Sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours. I planned it that way.

13 thoughts on “What Could Make a Dad Do an Actual Ninja Roll and Scream “Nooooooo!!!”?”

  1. I WISH I had these moves back when my kids discovered those hateful twins, Zach and Cody, but no, I was doing Tai Chi then, which is not conducive to moving like a ninja, and now I'm stuck with that hellish duo. If Disney takes that annoying duo to college for a new show, I will unleash hell. You heard it first, so consider this your head start.

  2. I WISH I had these moves back when my kids discovered those hateful twins, Zach and Cody, but no, I was doing Tai Chi then, which is not conducive to moving like a ninja, and now I’m stuck with that hellish duo. If Disney takes that annoying duo to college for a new show, I will unleash hell. You heard it first, so consider this your head start.

  3. I lived through the horrors of Barney first hand. I thought it couldn’t get worse. Then the Teletubbies took over…. I actually convulse when I see primary colors now.

  4. I lived through the horrors of Barney first hand. I thought it couldn't get worse. Then the Teletubbies took over…. I actually convulse when I see primary colors now.

  5. My husband will not allow our kids to watch Barney, either! He's pretty serious about it…lol… not manly enough? too purple? dare I ask? lol…

  6. This kind of thing makes me glad that we just cut our cable. Going straight Hulu and network websites makes Barney easily avoidable.

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