I Hope This Doesn’t Cause a Paradox. I Like the Space-Time Continuum Without Giant Tears in It.

03/13/2011 By Shawn Burns

Remember when we were kids, and our dads would take some time out of their day to sit down at the computer to write a blog post about how wonderful we were? Sure, not every post was about us, and not every post was joyful: Sometimes we really, really, really, really annoyed the hell out of him. (Couldn’t we just use our damned heads to figure out that it wasn’t okay to throw forks at our sisters? Why did we have to get dad involved?) But his blog was a place for him to let the rest of the world feel his emotions, and hear his mind-thoughts, about parenting.

Nowadays, blogging is all about who can score the best cyborg housekeeper from RoboTemp for a “review” that’s not really a review at all, but a regurgitated e-press e-release. Or it’s about going to the Mars-by-MarsWest conference and hanging out in zero-g suits with other bloggers to talk about blogging at a party sponsored by Space Captain Morgan’s Space Spiced Rum. It’s so stupid. Blogging became all about the numbers.

When I was a kid, dad actually had to type in order to get a blog post up. We could tell when he was ignoring us, because it came with choreography. Nowadays, because of government and private sector investment in blogging technologies, bloggers can ignore their kids just by engaging their Dragon Naturally Thinking mod and upload the post via their eye’s EyeFi, and the kids have no idea that no one was paying attention. Without those cues, kids aren’t learning how to act out. And kids who never learn how to act out, as we all know, turn into actuaries. The evolution of dad blogging means a rise in compound interest calculations all over the world. It’s out of control.

I’ve decided to do something about it. Using FaceGoogle’s new Time Travel extension for Tweetchrome 30.0, I’m going to go back to the days when blogging was unpopular, uncool, and unprofitable. If I succeed, I will post this on my father’s blog, the best dad blog in 2011, the weirdly named “Backpacking Dad”. (I still don’t know why he called it that; it was a stupid name. But a pretty good blog.) Once there, in the past, I will do everything in my power to keep blogging from ever becoming mainstream. You have my word.

Goodbye friends. I’m off to save blogging from its own success.