The Top 10 Ways Parents Can Handle The Terrible Twos

So…your adorable little bundle of cuteness and hugs has turned into a toy-flinging screecher bird of terror. I’m here to help. Here are ten tips you can use to get you, and your family, through the Terrible Twos safely.

  1. Move. Look, the kid is two. He can’t possibly know how to use Google Maps yet. He’ll never find you.
  2. Cover every surface in Nerf. Including your forehead and your balls.
  3. Invest in a year’s supply of Children’s Tylenoxycotin.
  4. Feed him more sugar. He’s only acting out because he’s pissed off at that stupid Food Pyramid.
  5. Duct tape mittens to his hands. He who can’t scratch, can only do half the damage.
  6. Duct tape mittens to his face. He who can’t screech, can only do half the damage.
  7. Drink enough whiskey that you find it all hilarious and painless. Bonus: You both wake up cranky, so you can commiserate.
  8. Teach him to channel his energy into something less destructive, like blowing up bridges with the French Resistance.
  9. Monetize him: Sell video of his antics to conservative religious schools in their abstinence-only sex education “classes”.
  10. Remain patient and calm, speak softly to him about your feelings, his feelings, everyone else’s feelings. Let him know which behaviours are okay and which are unacceptable. Keep your cool at all times. Let him feel loved even when he’s beating you about the head with a die-cast car. The more you bleed, the more he’ll see you care.

We here at Backpacking Dad are always looking for ways to help our readers. Do you have any advice about how to deal with the Terrible Twos. Note: We already mentioned whiskey.

7 thoughts on “The Top 10 Ways Parents Can Handle The Terrible Twos”

  1. Listen to the people who tell you that what your kid is like at 2 will tell you what they're gonna be like at 12 to 14. The big differences are that they're harder to pin down (duct tape, etc) and with 2 yr olds you don't risk needing to make bail when you failed to corral 'em.

  2. When I was providing child care, we always wanted to create a game called "Toddler Toss". Put one half of the velcro on the wall, put the other half on the toddler, and toss."

    1. Karen-my dad had a similar idea about pajamas for kids. You make sheets out of the loop material for velcro, and pajamas out of the hook material. Then literally STICK the kids in bed. I think my dad could make millions with that idea.

  3. Toddler Toss. Velcro jammies. That's it! Around here we call it "I'm gonna duct-tape you to the ceiling." The terror/thrill of being held that high always distracts them from whatever annoying activity they are doing at the moment. But then, it's tiring and a little annoying to hold them up for long. So… with our 4th, we changed it to "I'm gonna put you on top of the fridge!" Same terror, less work. Best of luck… costco has good whiskey prices.

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