The Top 10 Ways Parents Can Handle The Terrible Twos

07/18/2011 By Shawn Burns

So…your adorable little bundle of cuteness and hugs has turned into a toy-flinging screecher bird of terror. I’m here to help. Here are ten tips you can use to get you, and your family, through the Terrible Twos safely.

  1. Move. Look, the kid is two. He can’t possibly know how to use Google Maps yet. He’ll never find you.
  2. Cover every surface in Nerf. Including your forehead and your balls.
  3. Invest in a year’s supply of Children’s Tylenoxycotin.
  4. Feed him more sugar. He’s only acting out because he’s pissed off at that stupid Food Pyramid.
  5. Duct tape mittens to his hands. He who can’t scratch, can only do half the damage.
  6. Duct tape mittens to his face. He who can’t screech, can only do half the damage.
  7. Drink enough whiskey that you find it all hilarious and painless. Bonus: You both wake up cranky, so you can commiserate.
  8. Teach him to channel his energy into something less destructive, like blowing up bridges with the French Resistance.
  9. Monetize him: Sell video of his antics to conservative religious schools in their abstinence-only sex education “classes”.
  10. Remain patient and calm, speak softly to him about your feelings, his feelings, everyone else’s feelings. Let him know which behaviours are okay and which are unacceptable. Keep your cool at all times. Let him feel loved even when he’s beating you about the head with a die-cast car. The more you bleed, the more he’ll see you care.

We here at Backpacking Dad are always looking for ways to help our readers. Do you have any advice about how to deal with the Terrible Twos. Note: We already mentioned whiskey.