Department Bureaucrat: “Here. Fill out this form, and you will be on leave for the quarter.”
Me: “Dur, okay. You probably know how things work.”
3 months later, I place a phone call to solve a problem….
University Bureaucrat 1: “Hello? Uh, this computer thingy says you never filled out your leave form. You are discontinued.”
University Bureaucrat 1: “Department Bureaucrat needs to change the computer thingy. Here, we will call him together on the telly-phone!”
Me: “Okay…hello. Hello? Hello?”
Department Bureaucrat: “Hello? Why are you calling me?”
Me: “Um, University Bureaucrat 1 was supposed to be on the line here to ask you why you didn’t submit the form you said you submitted.”
Department Bureaucrat: “I submitted the form. They are wrong. Their computer thingy is wrong. I submitted the form.”
Me: “Um. They said you have to change the computer thingy.”
Department Bureaucrat: “No. I cannot change the computer thingy. THEY have to change the computer thingy. You call them and say that.”
Me: “Um, but I called them, and they made me talk to y….”
Department Bureaucrat: “You call them and tell them. Maybe they can call me. I will be here for 30 seconds, then I will be gone forever.”
20 minutes on hold later….
University Bureaucrat 2: “Hello? Hello? Why are you calling me?”
Me: “Um…well….University Bureaucrat…Department Bureaucrat…phone call…..discontinued…computer thingy….”
University Bureaucrat 2: “Computer thingy says you are discontinued. What do you want?”
Me: “Um….to not be?”
University Bureaucrat 2: “Department Bureaucrat has to change computer thingy. You should call h….”
Me: “I DON’T WANNA CALL NO ONE NO MORE!”
University Bureaucrat 2: “I will get University Bureaucrat SPECIALIST to investigate. Like X-Files. Because computer thingy says you are discontinued, and only Mulder would believe that computer thingy is wrong.”
4 hours later….
6 hours later….
End of Bureaucratic Business Day.
12 Hours later…
Department Bureaucrat: Good news! Your issue has been resolved! I lost your leave form, so it turns out you are discontinued. Bye…
Department Bureaucrat: What? You need something else? Okay. Fill out this other form, and maybe we can reinstate you. There is a fee.
Department Bureaucrat: Look, I don’t know what you want. I lost the form, so you have to fill out another form and pay a fee. Okay, maybe I can talk to someone about the fee. Maybe you don’t have to pay it. Maybe. I’ll do you a favour.
Department Bureaucrat: There is nothing else you can do! I don’t have the form, so you need to fill out this different form…
me: I HAVE THE FORM DO YOU WANT A COPY OF THE FORM I HAVE A COPY OF THE FORM IT HAS ALL THE RIGHT DATES AND SIGNATURES AND EVERYTHING DO YOU WANT A COPY WILL THAT HELP ME IN ANY WAY?
Department Bureaucrat: Maybe. Send me the form.
2 hours later…
18 thoughts on “This Is How Bureaucracy Works”
Wait, when did you move to France?
And they get paid for that nonsense, too. #%*& bureaucrats!
I’m sure this somehow gets them promoted.
LOL, that surely stinks. And well done on the Me part, it’s so You… :) Sounds very much like my talks with AT&T Uverse customer non-support.
I hope I don’t use that many “ums” when I talk :}
In other words, Two of the Three Stooges work at your current school.
All three of them.
At least they aren’t teaching. OMG, tell me they’re not teaching.
Thankfully no. They’re just in charge of the teacher’s money and grad student disbursements.
OH. MY. GOODNESS.
I love how Universities think they’re outside the mainstream BS. HR is HR no matter where you are….
Awesome! Best description of bureaucratic bureaucracy ever!!
P.S. Bureaucrats suck…
I bet you have a library fine outstanding.
I totally do. But not at school.
DEAR GOD! I had several conversations similar, spread out ofer a week. Hope this ends well!
I feel so guilty reading this thinking about how I have probably been department bureaucrat a time or two.
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