This Pitch Has to be a Joke. Right?

09/06/2012 By Shawn Burns

From my inbox today. Because I don’t even.

“Hi Shawn,

It’s inevitable that a vibe of a room can enhance or diminish one’s mojo. Old, boring, tasteless décor can do just that to one’s sex life. Not good. Luckily *************, award-winning fashionable techcessories brand, has an array of bold and beautiful bedroom gadgets that boost appeal and bring a whole new meaning to “Once you POP, the fun don’t stop!”

· Portable Bedroom POP  ($29.99 to $49.99): Offering a macho selection of colors certain to impress the ladies and keep them coming back for more, the POP Phone will transform dull and unexciting to bright and charming. Just plug the retro cool handset into any mobile device with a 3.5mm audio jack and let the fun begin”

POP Phone

 

So, what you’re telling me is: If I buy this enormous handset, I can get all the ladies to come to my bedroom?

1. I’m married. So you’re a jackass for sending me this pitch in the first place.

2. This thing is hideous. So, you have no taste.

3. You called it a “techcessory”. So you’re not allowed to use English anymore. We voted you off the island.

4. Fifty dollars?!? Please tell me that I’m getting this e-mail because this thing has had zero sales ever and the company is now just so desperate to move stock that they’ll try to pitch it to ANYBODY.

5. Does it come in blue? I like blue.

6. Oh, hey, it’s got one of them springy cord things.

7. I wonder if this really could get all the ladies to come to my bedroom.

8. I was only going to spend that fifty dollars on food anyway. I should lose weight.

9. Hello shiny new techcessory!

10. Ok, ok. Now there are way too many ladies in my room. Three of you need to leave. No, seriously. Yeah, I’ll, uh, call you later from my enormous phone thingy.

11. How do I get all these ladies to leave? Now they’re in the bathroom. Ladies! You need to get out! Here, what if I let you have the phone thingy? That’s what you’re here for anyway right?

12. No, no, don’t fight over the phone thingy. Just get out. Take your clothes with you.

13. *slam*

14. I wonder if it comes in green.